Wednesday, August 10, 2005

10 Things He's Afraid to Hear You Say

There are certain things a man never wants to hear from his lady. "Let's go shopping" is one of them, as those words usually herald a whole afternoon wasted near the women's fitting rooms. "You're acting like your father" is another, much harsher statement. Even worse, "You're acting like my father"; that one just hurts. Below, however, are the most fearsome, most harrowing combinations of words a female can utter.

  1. I've been thinking...
  2. Be a man.
    Nothing is quite as injurious as having your very manhood questioned. You could give in to her shame tactics and do what she wants, or deflect it by saying, "How about you be a woman and quit nagging?"
  3. My parents want to meet you.
    This means two things:
    The relationship has crossed an important milestone of seriousness.
    You're about to be psychologically cavity-searched under the family microscope.All you can do is hope her father doesn't mention that he has some rusty wire cutters he wants to put to use.
  4. I have a headache.
    That means no action for you tonight, buddy. But you can beat her to it. If you sense she's particularly tired when you're horny, give her an unsolicited aspirin and hope for the best.
  5. That's not the way my ex did it.
    You never talk about your ex in front of her. So you obviously weren't prepared for this. Now you're being measured against the man she dumped. Ouch. Defend yourself, quickly.
  6. What are you thinking about?
    Women are curious. They need to know your every thought, feeling, hunch and inkling. Men, on the other hand, don't like to discuss and explore everything; we're content to keep quiet.
  7. Do you find her pretty?
    She already caught you looking at that mind-blowing blonde that walked by, no matter how covert your glance. So if you say "no," she'll know you're lying and an argument will ensue. This is the time for very artful tact, such as, "Kind of, her ass is huge." Now pray.
  8. We need to talk.
    What everyone should know about these words is that no good news ever follows. These four ominous words signal a problem with the relationship. Expect a breakup, or at the very least a long talk about how you're not meeting her needs. Either way, it's not pleasant. And there is little you can do to avoid it. And though this one is a real bruiser, nothing is quite as caustic, as savage, as utterly cataclysmic as, "Do you think I'm fat?" You're on your own.
  9. My friend is pregnant/engaged.
    This seems harmless enough, until you catch that thinly veiled hint of disappointment in her voice. At this point, you know she really means, "When will we be engaged/pregnant?" Be prepared with an expert diversion at this point, such as faking a seizure. Unfortunately, nothing will help you when she comes at you with the even more chilling, "I'm pregnant." Good luck, buddy.
  10. Do you notice anything different about me?
    You know you're in trouble if you don't. And the longer you take to answer, the more frustrated she'll become, which makes you more frantic. And when you finally bellow, "Oh, you got a new haircut!" she storms out, throwing her new earrings on the floor.

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