Chemical Analysis of an Element called "Woman"

Element : Woman
Symbol : WO
Discoverer: Adam

Quantitative Analysis:
Accepted at 36-28-36, though isotopes ranging from 25-10-20 to 60-55-60 have been identified.

Occurance:

• Found wherever man is, but seldom in the highly reactive, energetic singlet state.
• Surplus quantities found in all urban areas.

Physical Properties:

• Undergoes spontaneous dehydrolysis (weeps) at absolutely nothing, and freezes at a moments notice.
• Totally unpredictable.
• Melts when properly treated, very bitter if not well used.
• Found in various states, ranging from virgin metal to common ore.
• Non-magnetic, but can be attracted by coins and sport cars.
• In its natural shape the specimen varies considerably, but it is often changed artificially so well that the change is indiscernible except to the experienced eye.

Chemical Properties:

• Has a great affinity for AU, AG, and C (in the crystalline form.)
• May give violent reaction if left alone.
• Will absorb great amounts of food matter.
• Highly desired reaction is initiated with various reagents (such as C(2)-H(5)-OH and sexy aftershave lotions.)
• An essential catalyst is often required (must say you love her at least five times daily).
• Reaction accelerates out of control when in the dark and all reaction conditions are suitable.
• Extremely difficult to react if in the highly stable pure form. Yields to pressure applied to correct points. The reaction is highly exothermic.

Storage/Shelf Life:

• Best results are obtained between the ages of 18 and 28 years.
• A short time after this, specimens begin to deteriorate, sometimes rapidly.

Uses:

• Highly ornamental.
• Used as a tonic for low spirits.
• Used on lonely nights as a heating agent (if properly prepared).
• May be trained to cook food, although great care must be exercised.

Tests

• Pure specimens turn rosy tint if discovered in raw, natural state.
• Turns green if placed besides a better specimen.
• Turns blue if proper reaction conditions are not met. Often shows signs of illogical behavior patterns.

Caution:

• Most powerful reducing agent known to man (income and ego).
• Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.
• Specimen must be used with great care if experiments are to succeed.
• Some of this species have been known to cause confused thinking and varying levels of insanity.

Note: It is illegal to possess more than one permanent specimen, however, a certain amount of exchange is permitted.


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